Catching Twenty Two

So my parents decided to go out to eat without my brother and...

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 01:33:30 -0400

So my parents decided to go out to eat without my brother and myself tonight. They told us to clean the apartment before they left. As if. Left alone for three hours straight with no dinner and no regard for cleaning, we devised our own entertainment. The cat hates us now.

My love for you is like nothing on earth. For the past few days, you’ve been asking “why...

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 22:32:01 -0400

My love for you is like nothing on earth. For the past few days, you’ve been asking “why me?” and it frustrates me terribly to answer because there are literally no words in the English language that could fully describe my feelings for you. I am limited by my own vocabulary. The best response I can give you is, there is no one else like you on earth for me, that fascinates me, maddens me, propels me and rips the love straight from my heart like you do. Yes, I’ve been in more than my fair share of relationships and yes, those were a gigantic waste of my and their time, but I can tell you this, there has not once been one person who has singularly brought all of me to life the way you do, has captured my attention so obsessively like you have, who has inspired me to examine myself in such a way that I would without question change the entirety of my being and my life just to fit yours, nobody on earth is like you for me, and that’s the truth. In my memory, everybody blends together like fog, with you being the only figure standing out in great detail, like moonlight piercing through the clouds. Why you? Because you are my other half, even in ways I don’t understand yet, and the moment I laid eyes on you back in October while standing at that dingy little bus station, I knew it without an inkling of doubt. We may butt heads and disagree and at times the stronger parts of our personalities may collide, but for you and you alone I would forfeit all pride and display all vulnerability just to make you happy, for you I would fight endlessly or lay down and die if it made your life better, and I will never cheat on you, abandon you, or stop loving you as you fear. Cheating on you seems ludicrous to me, why would I give up paradise to go back into the mud, abandoning you would be my true form of suicide because I see no life beyond one with you, and I could not, even with my best attempt, stop loving you, because your love is what runs through my veins now.

I remember when you were born. I remember what the hospital room looked like and the...

Fri, 07 Jun 2013 18:21:39 -0400

I remember when you were born. I remember what the hospital room looked like and the rocking chair I sat in when my mother placed you in my arms. You were asleep, so calm and peaceful. I’d never held a baby before and I remember even then recognizing that moment as something special. My feet didn’t reach the floor and I held you as carefully as I could. I loved you at that moment and I love you now. You have been just as much a brother to me growing up as Isaac is, and tonight I can feel my heart breaking apart with my love for you. I’m sorry, so incredibly sorry I never told you more often how cool I thought you were, how considerate and funny and original and smart and accepting. My whole life is laced with bright memories of us laughing and getting into trouble with our mothers, the new years eves at your moms old apartment, the experiments we would bake together when we were supposed to be doing homework, the goofy things that only we would find funny. The world has lost a truly incredible human being, and the world is poorer for it. I can’t put into words how much your leaving has torn me apart. It kills me more than I can say that we never got to get those tattoos together, that we never got to get into mischief one more time, that when I arrive in Massachusetts to finally come home you will not be waiting for me. My heart is broken. I love you, Seth. I really do. I could say so much more, and the time will come when I can, but tonight my heart is too heavy. I hope that where you are right now is filled with laughter, and light. I love you, little brother. May angels lead you in.

You can only come to the morning through the shadows.

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 14:19:02 -0400

“I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. There’s some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.”

Vanity.

Tue, 04 Jun 2013 19:49:53 -0400

Vanity.

Having my fiance in Afghanistan is extremely frightening, and more difficult than I could begin to...

Mon, 03 Jun 2013 01:00:00 -0400

Having my fiance in Afghanistan is extremely frightening, and more difficult than I could begin to describe. Every waking moment of every day, I am afraid. I had a woman tell me once that being in love with a military man is the harder job of the couple, and it wasn’t until now I understood.

And now I’m going to talk about God.

Having him so far away though has also taught me about faith, the necessity of it. Sure of what you hope for, certain of what you can’t see. I have faith, I have to have faith, because without it the situation would consume me, and I would be unable to function day-to-day. I have faith my fiance will come home alive and mentally healthy, I have faith that we’re going to get married and start a life together, I have faith that wherever he goes and whatever he does over there, God is holding him in the palm of His hands. It occurred to me the other night while I was lying wide awake that I need to start giving God more credit. I worry and pray and hope because I love Matt, but God made Matt, and God loves Matt more than I ever will, and just as God wants what’s best for me and protects me, He wants and does the same for my baby. It was an odd revelation, but a comforting one: the creator of the universe loves my fiance, and is keeping a better eye on him than I ever could.

I’ll be honest, over the years my walk with God has been an uphill battle, but it hasn’t been lost on me as I became an adult that I’m not just praying to the ceiling, that God is not a satellite that my prayers bounce off of, that there is a thinking, loving, powerful being far beyond the reaches of this world that had a heavy hand in my making and hasn’t abandoned me since. And I wouldn’t call myself religious, because I find religion to be a creation of man, and I wouldn’t call myself holy because I’m practically dirt, but I would call myself aware, and humbled, and thankful for the love and consideration I don’t think I ever earned. What I have with my God is personal and I often chose not to spread it around, but right now I need an outlet to talk about the lessons he’s been introducing to me lately, the fact that I need to let go of ALL of my desire to be in control of everything that has to do with my fiance and have faith that God can handle Matt’s protection and well-being perfectly, that faith can be my buoyancy if I let it, that I don’t have to walk this lonely harrowing path alone, that there is a power that far outshines mine sitting with my fiance as I type and never forsaking him.

It’s scary, relinquishing control, telling God, he’s your baby more than he is mine, I trust you with him completely, but I think in this lesson may also be my freedom. And so I chose faith as my means to get through this, God as my buffer against my fears, and love as my battle cry. I am not alone.

I’m too complex and aggressive for your breed.

Thu, 30 May 2013 02:37:52 -0400

I’m too complex and aggressive for your breed.

"A writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily, because she has amazing talent, because..."

Mon, 27 May 2013 23:23:30 -0400

“A writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily, because she has amazing talent, because everything she does is golden. In my view, a writer is a writer because even when there is no hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway.”

- Junot Diaz (via livelearnandpanic)

"There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words, and still not understand you. And..."

Mon, 27 May 2013 23:22:57 -0400

“There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words, and still not understand you. And there are others who will understand — without you even speaking a word.”

- Yasmin Mogahed (via hellanne)

Photo

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 01:36:22 -0400

Photo

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 01:19:19 -0400

A friend of mine foolishly enjoys my writing and decided to put...

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 01:03:00 -0400

A friend of mine foolishly enjoys my writing and decided to put some of my quotes into pictures. I’m freaked out.

Photo

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 00:34:48 -0400

the-absolute-funniest-posts: My lovely followers, please follow...

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 04:12:39 -0400

the-absolute-funniest-posts:

My lovely followers, please follow this blog immediately!

If you have to crawl to live, stand and die.

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 04:03:51 -0400

For those who fight for it,
life has a flavor the sheltered will never know.

You save the world by saving one man at a time, everything else is grandiose romanticism or politics.

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 22:13:25 -0400

-spoken by a man I condemned

Sometimes I wonder if love is worth fighting for, but then I remember your face and I’m ready for war.

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 15:01:45 -0400

For some I would move heaven and earth, For others I would clear the road straight to hell.

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 15:00:11 -0400

For some I would move heaven and earth,
For others I would clear the road straight to hell.

punkrockdirection: sometimes i forget im a real person

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 22:08:44 -0400

punkrockdirection:

sometimes i forget im a real person

December 2010

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 22:06:54 -0400

All I have left are a few faded pictures and a handful of well-rehearsed battle cries.

That’s more then enough to speed my way, isn’t it?

Some circles are meant to be broken, the frayed ends intended to drift off into some dark corner of the world where they’ll clink uselessly about and remain forgotten, lifeless. No electricity left to force them to burn again, the memories and the copper dulled to nonexistence.

What will be will be will be. And what will not be will never be wont ever be.

And that’s just fine.

Circles are too predictable. They form habits. They link like chains.

I wasn’t one for imprisonment anyways.

I cannot always be torn in two, but must be one whole piece eventually.

I am a spiral, after all.